I am having a hard time with my daughter and I don't know what to do anymore. Sometimes I feel like its all my fault because I have set no boundaries or limits. I have done this because of the rough childhood I had - I did not want my children growing up like me- but then again what parent out there doesn't want better for their children?
Growing up for me as a nightmare. I remember so much - like being in the 1st grade waking myself up in the morning getting myself ready for school and walking alone down the hill to the bus stop. I would walk home to a empty house after school and fix myself something to eat. I had many rules to follow - be in before the street lights came on - clean the house- before my parents came home. I can't remember EVER doing a thing with my mom - not even a park or swimming. I never played sports until I was old enough to ride my bike to and from the school- my mother never attended one game. As soon as the sun came up I was running out of that house - I hated listening to the fighting and my mom being hurt. If I stayed around which I sometimes I did I would get caught in the middle! I was a abused child and I swore the minute my son was born things were going to be different! Nobody was ever going to hurt my son - I wouldn't sit back and watch helplessly like my mother did. I left home at thirteen and never looked back!
Now my son is 12 and daughter 6- I have done everything my mother didn't - or just couldn't do! I am the one who goes without - NOT my children. I will go negitive in my bank account to get them what they want. They both play sports - and I am right there in the stands cheering my lungs out! I try not to say no! My children don't play outside without me - standing there and watching over them- they don't leave my sight - for the fear in me that someone might hurt them. I do everything for them and now they are helpless!
I have made my children not responsible for anything- the simple things like making their beds or getting their own drinks - I do it all. I thought I was doing what a "mother" was supposed to do. Now I am not so sure- I only wanted to let them be kids and not make them grow up. I also understand I have severe "OCD" and its hard not following them around and cleaning up after them.
I never knew what love was or felt like until 7/14/95 @2:23pm - my sons birth and it doubled on 5/8/01 @ 3:22am my daughters birth. Those two moments are forever engraved in my heart. Am I doing them wrong - am I enabling them to grow up and not be responsible? Have I been wrong all these years?
My children are both handsome/beautiful- smart - kind - caring individuals. But when it comes to me they are fresh and walk all over me. They are demanding to the point of me almost breaking down in tears because I am always running for them. Are they too young to understand what they are doing- or should they already know by now. My daughter went to a friends house today and when the mother dropped her off and came in for a little "adult conversation" I could feel her eyes on me. She was here for about twenty minutes before she finally said" wow she is much different at our house". Don't most kids act different at other people's house's? I am proud that she uses her manners and is kind - but I am so embarrassed about what her friends mother saw! My child just acting like a spoiled girl - and it hit me - she always acts this way at home. She has been getting worse over the last months and I can't figure out why- I have done nothing different than I usually do. After they left I closed my eyes - what did I do so wrong? My children are going to get older - and worse- I never have set boundaries - I have never punished them - there is no consequences for wrong doings. Did I just go to far - I just wanted them to "live". I thought I was being a "real" mom - like I only dreamed about in my childhood. Now I have to really sit back and look at what I have done - and figure out a way to fix this. My children are young enough to adjust but am I too old to change?
10 comments on Childhood
Add a comment
To add comments without entering your email and image verification, you must be logged in. Login or Join Blogster
We all do the best we can with what we have and I believe the difference between failing your children and empowering them is the comittment to keep trying knew things and keep learning are we grow. Right now is definitely going to be a rough patch for both of our children as they are experiencing major life change as well as we are. I have to believe that maintaining consistent boundaries (no other major changes in their lives) and giving constant, unconditional love is what will matter. ((hugs, I'm here with you))
P.s. you're never too old to change...
I am going to really try o stand my ground now! I love my children so much and don't want to ever hurt them- now or later in their lives!
Isn't is funny how we counter act what our parents did. My mom did the same thing you are doing... she did everything for me and takes care of me. I hate feeling like I am not capable so I am raising my children to be responsible. Gwen is right, we do the best we can with the knowledge we have. The important thing is if you see something and don't like it, you as the parent can change it. We all learn as we go. Talk to your kids and let them know how you are feeling about their behavior. They are old enought to understand your expectations. Hang in there.... you are a good mom!!!!! Don't forget that!
Thanks - boy I wish there was a step by step parenting book out there! I am learning - I just don't want my children to suffer for it! Last year i took a parenting class- 1 2 3 Parenting! My kids both got a kick out of it- when I would get up set I would say 1 and then they would say together 2 3 and I would laugh! Well so much for that class! I think I would rather take some advice from parents that are going through the same things!
I agree with the two ladies here....we all have to have boundies and rules.
We may not like them but without them where are we. I understand your reasoning because of your childhood. But sometimes we can go too far the other direction. There has to be a happy medium. Kids are going to get hurt...it's part of the growing up process. You see that things aren't right...now work on making them that happy medium...Hang in there...
I am continuing to work hard- but its hard with children that are spoiled! lol My problem is that I set rules and punishments but I NEVER stick with anything! I can't tell you how many times I say "that's it your grounded or your in time out". But I can tell you my daughter has never been in time out and my son has has never been grounded! I am a complete push over! But I am willing to give it a try!
Hang in there girl. You sound like a strong person, I'm sure the kids will come around. Sarah
One day at a time- thats how I am going to change this situation! I admit I have spoiled children - doesn't make me love them less- just makes me frustrated and stressed so much. I am sick of getting upset with them! I am reading Chicken Soup for the Mothers Soul- I actually thought it was about something else - but its actually a great little book on a child's memory of their mothers when they were younger- makes me stop and think. I don't want their memories to be of me yelling "enough" "stop that" "could someone please help"! lol
Well, it certainly is understandable why you have been raising your children in this way. There really isn't anything wrong in seeing that they get the most out of life, but you have to teach them that life doesn't always hand you everything you want or only things that are good. There are times when "no" is the answer. There are times when one must face the consequences for mistakes, irresponsibility, or bad behavior.
You certainly don't want to be too strict, but sometimes the strictness needs to be proportionate to each individual child's ways... some can handle leniency, while others need stronger discipline. Don't worry too much about the friendship you have with your kids, you need to be a Mom first, respected and admired. Friendship is good, of course, but the level of friendship will find it's own way.
You love your kids, that is so very obvious. You want to spare them a life of abuse, pain, hurt, disappointment, fear, or emotional suffocation ... but not teaching them and guiding them is not doing them good, either. You still have time to assert some authority, but you must expect some resistence along the way...even when things seem to be fine. It's not a great thing to look forward to, but most kids and parents go through that. Just keep reassuring them that you love them, do things together with them, be the great mom that you are, but draw the line when it comes to improper behavior.
And, yes, if it is any assurance, kids often behave very differently when they are not at home. It does show that you have done a good job teaching them the importance of respect, manners, and good behavior...that's why they are so good when they're at other places...but, you have not required that behavior at home, so they act differently there with you. Some basic ground rules might be helpful, and denying them from some of those things you let them enjoy might teach them that the rules can not be broken. They won't like it now, but they'll respect you later for it.
(All this advice from me, a person who never even had kids? So, I might be a little out of line by giving my child-raising opinions, but I'm basing my comment on my own growing up experiences, the 5 kids I helped my aunt raise, the childcare and pre-teen care I provided to my godchild, and some other experiences. So, I'm not a parenting expert, but I felt I could share my feelings and thoughts. I hope it's ok, but I do apologize if I should have said less.)
No apologizes necessary! As I was reading this I wouldn't have even thought you didn't have any children- I actually really like advice and I try to at least try something new before I stick my tongue out! Raising children is a very scary thing now - I always look around to see what others are doing- I don't judge - I just look and listen. Well I guess sometimes I judge when I drive in town and see children my daughters age riding their bikes or walking around without any supervision! I just couldn't sit around with my baby out there like that - I wouldn't allow that to happen- funny how times have changed! When I was young that would have been fine but in todays times - NO WAY!
All I do want is my children's love and respect along with their happiness! This is the greatest gift I was given and I want to do the best job I can! My children really are the greatest! To see them smile would melt your heart!